Mental, Health

I took the train this morning and sat in my regular carriage. Second from the front, seat on the left. Funny how easy it is to find routine. I had that locked up. There is routine everywhere. I guess it’s a way to make sense of things. Am I destined to just do as others do? 

I wrestle between yes and no. I enjoy doing my own thing. Always have. I’ve never really done as my peers. But if you compare wide enough I guess there will always be others like me. And it’s foolish to think I’m anything special. 

I like you. I know I love you but I like you. You made me feel as though I was a little bit special. Together we were different. Is that foolish? I wonder how I made you feel. I never know. I’ve never known the effect I’ve had on others. I suppose it’s important not to dwell on this. As this is ego just needing a good stroke. 

The train has pulled into Auburn. I imagine myself getting off and jumping on the tracks. I know I won’t. But I let my mind go there. Imagining the impact of the jump down. Maybe catching my ankle on a loose rock and collapsing hard. I imagine touching my forehead to feel sticky blood. I wish I could imagine the impact. But I can’t. The rain is still here. Should I get off? My chest is so heavy. I feel under a shroud of weight. I can’t figure it out. Did you do this? My brain just wants me to figure it all out. Just another problem to solve. If I get to the bottom of it, of you, you will go away. But, I know there isn’t any finding you. 

Next stop Clyde.

This time last month I was happy. How transient it all is. I suppose that would then mean, perhaps happiness will return and you will disappear. Fuck I left my sunglasses at home. I adjust my eyes, but keep my gaze pointed down. Did I leave them at home on purpose? In these final moments before arriving to work I let you take over my whole body. Like a question mark, I slowly point downwards.

I’m walking into the compound now. I’m typing these thoughts down on my phone. There’s a well dressed woman walking towards me and we dance a little both mis-stepping at the same time. She calls out abuse I can’t understand. I stop to try and registered the garbled words she’s spewed out.

She calls out

“Well! You’re bloody on your phone look where you’re going!” Almost in a snarl.  

I call back

“Thank you you old slag!”

Well the last part was in my mind. I make me laugh. She’s so angry and so early. Then I think perhaps she’s just a different type of question mark and I should not be so judgemental, at least not this early in the morning. I straighten my back. Take a deep breath in and take a step for the automatic doors to open.

Fuck I wish you’d call me.