Ear Pools
Why is it easier to write about sadness and trauma? I’ve been thinking on this for some time. Perhaps all my life. If I reflect upon any of my half completed diaries that I so spiritedly started only to slowly stop the momentum. Ultimately coming to a final halt with the blank lined pages. I tried reigniting them, sometimes within the same year. Sometimes years later. Never took. It could be a sign of happiness I think. I seldom take the time to jot down joy. Rather to saviour and experience it, I suppose. With sadness and general feelings of despair there’s more of a coping element assigned to them.
How do we cope with joy and happiness?
When I started this relationship I was awestruck. I felt lucky. I felt a kind of smile in my eyes. Like, the corners of my eyes would curl up and create Buddha-face-half-moon-smiles. I think, perhaps that was joy? I still feel it, I conjure it up through memories of our firsts. And I feel it when we have our routines.
I think, boy, this is nice.
Initially though, it was a weird feeling. I would ask him if he felt the same. This ‘at-odds at happiness’ feeling. He did. At times I thought that I didn’t deserve happiness and so it was much easier to say, I feel lucky. I suppose we both felt similar. I remember what drew us close was listening to each others tales of survival. He would talk of his adventures touring, the energy and the excitement. I spoke of my fearless wanting to explore. It felt very close and very far away all the same.
It’ll take some time for me to trust it -joy and happiness. I think that’s due to life experience there. Emotional scars and all that. In my younger years, I just did. I was compulsive and flighty. When are you going to grow up? When are you going to settle down? It served me well in many many instances, it also had me in unusual and dark times. What’s unusual though? What’s light without darkness?
I’m working on accepting joy. Moving away from questioning it and lean into feeling it. It’s terrifying!
We are in joy now. Joy in the form of scans and heartbeats. Joy in lying down, watching a tv screen filled with blobs and shadows, seeing the blobs dance about to form a body, with a head, and limbs. And a heartbeat!
Why are my ears filled with my tears?
Why is my heart pounding so so fast?
Why do I laugh uncontrollably, blinking the tears down my cheeks to my ears?
I know why. I smile and feel a huge relief. I feel lighter and lucky. No not lucky, I am happy.
