28.08.23

The appointment was for 10.15am but we needed to be there at 9.15am. That meant we should leave home around 7.15am, in case of traffic. On Thursday I had collected the pre-op meds, the instructions read:

Place two under the tongue 4 hours prior to surgery. 

Noted, I should do this at 6.15am. 

Fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen fifteen. 

I set my alarm for 5.45am, but lay on my back staring at the ceiling, eyes wide and full, awake at 3am. 

The pills weren’t dissolving. I had placed the hexagon shaped discs under my tongue and thought, isn’t this where you put pills to hide them? Thinking of every scene in asylums where patients want to dupe staff. I looked at the pill packet. No name. Just Pfizer and a series of numbers. FL2032A  I googled them and found Cytotec, Misoprostol tablets. The abortion pill alternative. 

“Pharmacies in New York are stock piling these pills…”

I kept them under my tongue and turned the shower on. I stood under the water with my eyes open letting the water go in them. It masked my tears. The pills were turning into paste. I swallowed it. It was a bit chalky so I had some water to wash it down. 

Only have sips of water until 7.15am. Another pre-op rule.

By the time I stepped out of the shower the pills were dissolved. No turning back. I took some mouth wash and gargled. I brushed my teeth and passed Jon in the bathroom. We didn’t say anything to each other. Yesterday we were laughing in the bathroom. There was a tube of toothpaste on the vanity, wretched. Every last lick of toothpaste had been squeezed out of it. Jon was brushing his teeth. I pulled my brush from its holder and automatically opened up my drawer to pull out the spare tube of toothpaste. Jon burst out laughing. 

“What a dirty move”! He laughed. I laughed feigning innocence.

“What?! Whaaaat? I-thought-you-knew-this-was-in-here”? I giggled. 

That was a good belly mint laugh.

I got dressed and made the bed. I fluffed the pillows and tucked in the sheets. The bed looked good. All of a sudden I had a sharp pain in my stomach, gripping it tightly I ran for the upstairs toilet. I sat there in agony as my body was expelling the insides. I cramped and contorted. This was ten times more painful than a period cramp. I stayed on the toilet for a while. Not knowing if it had finished. I remembered the receptionist when handing the pills to me saying you should wear a pad once you take the pills. I put one on and made my way downstairs, still holding my stomach.

Jon was having breakfast. I could tell he was trying to quickly eat something without me seeing it, as I had to fast from midnight. I’m glad he didn’t make a coffee. I think he thinks I don’t notice the small acts of kindness he does, but I do. This week I’ve been difficult I know, I feel guilty. It feels like I haven’t been able to reciprocate kindness. I’ve been so sad. It sucks all your energy and all that you’re left with is quiet acknowledgment of each other. 

Sharp pains again. I snap out of my thoughts. I duck to the laundry toilet. Nothing was coming out but I was in so much pain. 

It was a little before 7am. I asked if we could leave early, in case there was traffic. I could barely walk to the car. All I could do is grip my stomach and wince. Jon got me a pillow and I laid the seat backwards. The 90 minute drive I will never forget. Exhausted and in pain. Mindful not to complain, I try to suppress any sounds of pain. What’s the point. We both knew I was uncomfortable, and all I do is complain. The pain hit me in waves. When in full motion I held my breath in an effort to hold the pain in one area. I held my breath until I couldn’t any longer and would exhale in time for it to subside. I took another breath in and out, then another one would start. I clenched the seatbelt and closed my eyes. Slowly the waves grew distant between them.

We listened to Conan O’Brien’s podcast. I chose the episode that he interviews Harrison Ford. Harrison’s voice was so low we couldn’t hear what he was saying over the sound of the engine. We turned it up real loud. I thought of this car propelling us across Sydney. Two people in mourning listening to Conan barking insults at Harrison Ford. It was a strange reality to be in. Listening to people laughing when you’re sad is odd. In one way I’m glad we had it on, it did offer some distraction, but equally it made me realise just how sad I was.

We found the parking lot. It was just a block from the clinic. We stayed in the car until a little after 8.30am, then made our slow way to our destination. I had to hold on to Jon as we walked the block, as I was unsteady, but I just wanted to be near him.

We walk into the surgery wing within the clinic, Louise who I had come to know, was speaking with someone else and said that she’d be right with us. 

“Take a seat”, her voice was warm and polite. 

I was shivering. A nurse walked past as I slowly lowered myself down into the chair, she saw me grimace with pain and asked if I was alright. I said that I was freezing, I couldn’t stop the shivers, and it was as though she was next to me the whole time, there was Louise announcing that she would get me a warm blanket. She arrived back with a heat pack and a heated hospital blanket. I let the warmth of the blanket wrap around me. She gave me a big hug and I let tears fall. 

Jon went up to the counter and paid for our treatment and the nurse with the arthritis came in and asked me if I wanted to lie down. The last time I saw her it was for the extraction, a time of hope. 

“I have a good feeling about you”. She had said to me. 

I’d been talking about our journey, how it had been so fast, from the time we decided our plan, to this day. She talked about her time as a fertility nurse. How she had arthritis in her fingers and in the winter it gave her pain. She struggled with separating the sheets of paper I had to sign. I helped her with it not making a thing of it, I think she appreciated. She had blonde sun kissed hair tied up in a pony tail and had a face full of wrinkles, her eyes smiled as she spoke, and she looked like she would have a cup of tea with you and tell you her tales. She hadn’t remembered me initially this time but it came to her soon after. 

“I remember you, what’s your name honey”? 

“It’s Karen”. 

“That’s right. I’m sorry you’re here today but we will look after you”. 

She held my hands in her misshapen hands and I felt her care. I hadn’t remembered her name either and asked her for it. Glenda. Glenda the good witch from the Wizard of Oz? 

I laid on the bed with the curtain pulled around to offer a little privacy, Jon was in the chair. There was a woman laying in a bed next to us, we could hear through the thin hospital Constantine curtains. She had just had the extraction procedure. I remember being where she was. She was coming out of the anaesthesia. Her nurse explained that she was having a wonderful dream and that she was talking to them but they couldn’t make out what she was trying to say. They both laughed. It felt like a life time ago for us. 

I felt a damp sensation and knew what it was. I needed to get to the bathroom. I told Jon and he helped me out of bed and put my shoes on. I stood up and saw Louise. I whispered to her

“I think I’m bleeding”. 

“That will be the medicine”. She said reassuringly.

“I’ll take you to the bathroom”.

I crept to the bathroom and sat down. Crimson red. Big drum-like pains in my abdomen. I remember this feeling. I flushed it down the toilet. 

“Are you alright”?

“Yes, but my pad is full, there’s a lot of blood, is that normal”? I was worried that it would all be gone before the surgery.

“Yes, it’s okay, there’s pads in there, you can change yours, it’s okay”. She squeezed my hand.

I made it back to the bed and spotted some blood on the sheets. I covered it up, it made me feel shameful for some reason. We waited, Jon in the chair and me in the bed, still holding my stomach. Jon helped me into my hospital clothes, we both laughed at my confusion, how do I put this gown on? 

“I don’t think there’s an inside and outside part to it”. Jon said. I tiredly giggled. 

Eris the anaesthetist arrived and talked through his role. Was it Eris or Ares? Isn’t that the God of War. I had to focus on what he was saying. Soon after Justin arrived to brief us on what was to happen next.

“G’day guys, not a great reason to be here today, but we’ll get through it yeah”.

He had a habit of ending each sentence with a “yeah”. Whether it was a “yeah”? Or a “yeah”. Was unknown. He told us that it will be a quick procedure, he will take some of the tissue to test, it won’t change our pathway, but it is knowledge nonetheless, and he will give us some tissue to take home. I thanked him for seeing us today, and he left just as fast as he arrived.

It was time to go. I didn’t want to go. Maybe Jon sensed that. He gave me a big embrace and we just held onto each other and held onto that moment. A nurse peered in and It was time. 

Lyn, Lynnette and Elizabeth. I tried to remember all of their names. I entered the operating room, Eris was there, and laid on the bed. They put warm blankets on me and I wriggled my underwear off. Eris told me to wiggle my toes, and applied the anaesthetic drip to my right arm. 

“You’ll feel sleepy soon, you’re doing very well”. He said

I didn’t want to do it, tears started to form so I closed my eyes. Lyn squeezed my hand, you’re doing well. I’m just going to put some discs on to monitor your heart. She kept telling me I was doing well. I said thank you under my breath, and then I was out.

I woke up in agony. My eyes still closed but my abdomen was screaming out. I must have looked in pain, a nurse announced that she was giving me some pain medication. She narrated her actions. 

“I can see you’re in some pain Karen, I’m giving you some Fentanyl for the pain”. 

I knew that drug, I had heard of it, it was strong. It made me feel relief that I was getting some.  The voice was back, but it didn’t feel like any time had passed. 

“Are you still in pain Karen, what number out of ten can you give it”?

“Yes, seven”.

“I’m going to give you some more Fentanyl, it will help”.

I opened my eyes for the first time. I was back in the room from before. The other woman must have left by now. It was almost 12pm. I saw the nurse, it was a new face. 

“My name is Lisa, how’s the pain now”? 

I thought I had just answered that, but I guess some time had passed. 

“About a five”. I said as I refocused my eyes. 

“You’ve had two lots of Fentanyl, so I’ll give you some Codine. This will help with the pain for a few hours. After this wears off you can have some Paracetamol, but the pain should start to ease up soon”.

I just nodded. My tummy hurt. Lisa slowly tilted the bed upwards and explained that the surgery went well. She asked if I was okay to get up try to walk to the toilet. I said I could do it. I gripped her arm and made my way to the bathroom. More blood. I returned to the bed and noticed the sheets were red too. I felt bad. I explained to Lisa that there was bloody on the sheets but she said for me not to worry about it. 

“Try and get your clothes on, hold on to the bed rail to steady yourself, I will be right outside if you need any help”.

I did as I was told. I felt a bit better being in my clothes again. I made my way to the recliner chair where there was some food prepared for me, and a brown paper bag on the seat. Jon came in and gave me a hug. He pointed to the bag and asked if that was the little one. I hadn’t thought about it, but just nodded. I slowly ate some food and listened to the aftercare instructions. I didn’t want to stay to eat everything so we took it with us and confirmed that I was okay to leave. We slowly walked back to the car and started the drive home. Jon put on music and I let it come in and out as I closed my eyes. 

I sat on the couch exhausted. We watched the last episode of Black Mirror and I drifted in and out of sleep. I flicked through the platforms after the show ended, now awake. Wanting to watch something else. I found American Ultra, an action, bloody movie and decided this would work. Jon started on dinner. 

“Do you want to go for this walk now”? Jon called out. I knew what he meant by this walk. 

“Yes please, somewhere not too far”. We agreed on a spot we could drive to, to make the walk a bit shorter. Jon packed the paper bag and we headed out. 

We got to the rocks and started scaling them. We passed a couple of teenagers with their dog, and another guy listening to some music on his phone. We kept going. We found a big rock to climb up onto, submerged in the water. The tide was coming in. We sat on the rock and Jon asked me if I wanted to do it or say anything. I shook my head. He took the container out of the bag and crouched down. He emptied the container into the water and I watched the red beads disperse into the water so quickly. I just caught it. Little read beads like bulbs in a lava lamp randomly floating away. I can’t remember exactly what Jon said, but he said that in your short life you had brought us so much joy. I looked up at the moon in the light sky, and out to the sea and said goodbye.