Spider? I hardly know her!

It started with the best intentions. It really did. I’m reviewing the past few days, and assessing my behaviour. Overall assessment;

Shows potential, needs to focus, distracts easily.

My second grade teachers’ jib carries to this day. Damnit. Odd that it pops into my mind as I think back just now, but it does. Damnit. Oh look there’s a shiny thing. Damnit again.

Start from the start and work from there.

Grand advice, thanks self. I try and shuffle my thoughts into the correct order.

Tuesday, let’s start there. It’s not really the start of it all, if I think back it’d be Paul’s birthday when we first mentioned You Am I, but fuck it, I can choose when I want to start when, can’t I? (Yep, totally allowed.)

3am Tuesday. Why am I awake? It’s a regular work day. I set my alarm for 6am, and close my eyes again. My work days are getting shorter and shorter. I feel myself sliding into a sludge. I am a slimy weird un-form, form. I’m out of focus. I am porridge. I am caring less and less. I churn out minimum. Less than. Under deliver. It’s the first time I have had, a bad work ethic. I’m untethered and lost, and it worries me. The last time I felt like this, I actively searched for ways to

Fuck

Things

Up

Which cost me immensely. Pull socks up, care more, focus. Focus! Focus! My daily mantra exhausted, and it was only 10am.

I’m at my desk. The corner desk in an alcove in an open planned office, filled with people, who have no respect for sound, smells or sanity. Nevertheless, there I sit. Earphones firmly plugged in, I type away at emails. It’s pointless, but I do it anyway.

Let’s blow forward, who wants to hear about the mundane? I cut out of there early, remember low work ethic, and get home around 3pm. I squeeze into my jeans, put on my double hoodies, can never be too warm, and strap on my platform Nikes boots. Lips red, and I bust out for ABC studios.

My happy place is the dance floor. Paul affirmed.

We are so alike in many ways, and so different. In this instant, we are simpatico. We ripped up the ABC studio dance floor, for the next few hours. Who cared who was playing, we just danced. To celebrate, we barrelled out of the venue as soon as they yelled “Cut!” and sprinted for the old Clare hotel. Wine, and plenty of it. STAT! We drank, and cheered and laughed and drank some more. Why were we so happy? The power of dance I suppose. We carried on until the last stool was placed on the table to let us know to leave.. Let’s go to Marly! This will be messy…

3am Wednesday morning. My eyes peel open.

Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I need the day, doubtful anyone will notice. I don’t even bother to log on, and or off. I stay in bed all day. it’s sunny and bright outside, I don’t dare investigate. My eyes burn open, I force them shut and sleep the day away.

3am Thursday morning.

This is not good. I opt to work from home. I can’t bring myself to drive to the office. A lunch tryst presents itself, and reignites my energy. I get back home to log my 7.75hrs dutifully, and I get ready to tuck into bed. Sure it’s 4pm, but i’m tired!

Crap. Alice!

We had tickets to the immersive theatre cocktail thing in Potts Point. Oh I really wished I hadn’t bought these, of all weeks! I have my traffic assessment tomorrow early, and I’ve got to swing by the office to get my notes for the assessment. It’s a 5.30am start, to make it in time to pick up my study notes, cram what I need to know and get to the assessor. Just behave yourself tonight, and you will be fine tomorrow. The show is at 5.30pm, finishes at 7pm, so you’ll have loads of time to behave!

4am Friday morning.

A sleep in! Fuck I’ve got to get up. I can still taste the red wine. Get in the shower, and you’ll feel better. It’s still dark outside. I walk down the garden path to my work car. I plug my phones in, as I do every morning, and switch to AM radio. Like always, I drive out of my street parking spot and move through the streets of Newtown, faster than usual. No one is out and about at 6am Friday morning.

Take a left, past RPA, stop at the pedestrian strips and take another left. Parramatta road. Fuck I hate this road. Mad Max style, one car enters, zero cars leave. Thankfully, it’s bliss at this hour. Man I wish I didn’t have to go into the office. I should’ve just gone yesterday. I’m sleep deprived but I know this route. I take the same lane like always, and settle in to listen to the radio as I make my way towards Ashfield.

What the living fuck! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Arrrrrrrrghhhh!

I’m screaming! I’m actually screaming. There is a huntsmen the size my of my hand crawling from the left side of the car ceiling, towards me.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

It was weird screaming to myself and driving. I tried to concentrate on driving. I couldn’t take my eyes off the spider. It was getting closer. I fling the hazard lights on, sweet fuck yes West street exit, Paul lives nearby, just make it there.

It’s above my head, it’s the size of my head. It. Is. The. Size. Of. My. Head.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I see his street and turn off. Fuck where did it go? I park the car and press the window down. Fuck should I leave it up? Is it on me? Fuck. All I can think is fuck. I wriggle out of the car and pat and shake everything. It’s 6am, what do I do? I’ll just knock on Paul’s door. No wait, I’ll ring him first. Straight to voicemail. Fuck. I ring my mum. Jesus. I’m thirty-eight years old and I’m ringing my mum at six in the morning because there was a spider in my car. No time to assess my lack of life skills. I find her number and ring.

You’re up early! She was oddly chipper.

Mum! There was a spider in my car, I was driving to work. It was massive. I’ve just pulled over. It was massive. I don’t know what to do. I’m outside Paul’s place. It was massive!

Okay, I sound like a lunatic.

Just knock on his door, get some spray, close the doors and let the gas settle. Mother’s always know best.

Okay. Yes. Yes. I’ll do that. Good. It was massive. Fuck. Sorry. I just can’t see it. Ugh. Okay. Thanks. I’ll call you later.

Jesus she puts up with a lot. I creep away from my parked car. Window still down. I turn my phone light on and make my way to Paul’s front door. I tap on the window pane. The lights are off. No answer. It’s freezing. Fuck what do I do? I’m trapped in indecision, about to turn away, when his door opens. A dark figure is in front of me.

Hi Paul. Sorry. It’s Karen. Everything is fine. There’s just a spider in my car, and I am terrified of spiders. I’m sorry, can I come in? Sorry to wake you!

He was half asleep, but calmly lets me in and receives my insanity.

Sure thing babe, come in. Do you want me to go take a look? He calmly asked.

Yes! Do you have some spray? My window is open, can you come out please! Oh my god, I’m so sorry, this is insane! I was shook!

The sun was coming up, the sky was getting lighter. Thank fuck. Paul picks up his can of bug spray and a spare thong. We make it back to my car, I shine my torch inside the car to try and spot the creeper. The image of it crawling closer and closer towards me on the ceiling is burning in my memory. Paul opens the door and ducks his head in. He sprays everywhere lining all of the front surfaces with glossy poisonous spray.

Can you turn it on and close the windows?! My voice was manic.

Sure thing babe.

How was he so calm?! It’s light now, and Paul closes the door behind him. The fume of gas stays inside the car. I’m exhausted.

I need a coffee! I blurt out, and a whiskey to calm my nerves I think.

Come inside, let’s give the car a while, I’ll make you a brew.

I’m inside Paul’s place. I fling off my layers, just to make sure it hasn’t crawled inside my jacket somehow. Paul is laughing at me, and moving around his kitchen clanging things together. He reappears clutching two mugs and two tumblers with a finger of whiskey.

I was thinking about having this anyway..

Like I said, simpatico.